Picking up the Pieces
by Ronja-R
Summary: Alternate ending to season five. Blair makes her choice and it has a surprising impact on Chuck. Rated M.
1. Chapter 1

I've been going back and forth a lot on whether or not to post this. It's something I began working on a while ago and it's meant as an alternate ending to season five though it might not fit entirely with the last few episodes. It's pretty dark so be warned.

A special thank you goes to the two people who helped me out by beta-reading this chapter. **AnnaBlake** and **DarkKnightFTW** you are episode 107 levels of awesome! Thanks a bunch to both of you.

* * *

It was cold up on the rooftop. The calendar said May but the weather felt more like early April. It was cloudy and windy and most sensible people would stay away from any spots where the wind would be blowing even harder. Chuck was not most sensible people. He frowned and pulled his coat closer around him, shivering in the wind.

"You're telling me this was all just a ruse?" Blair said, standing opposite him. She was shivering as bad as he was, wrapping her arms around herself.

"I'm sorry Blair. I didn't want to be the one to tell you but Serena insisted that I had to."

Blair looked thoughtful. Chuck's news had taken her by surprise but it was just one out of many surprises this spring. He had been as surprised as she by what he had learned. He had been sent a notebook in the mail and believed that it was the first draft of Dan's new book sent to him by Alexandria. The book was supposed to be based on him, much like the first one, and Alexandria had told him she wanted his approval before they continued the process of completing and publishing the book. From a legal standpoint that made much more sense than to just publish and hope for the best as had been the case with "Inside" the year before. When he had started to read through the notebook he had realized that it wasn't a book draft, it was a private journal. A journal in which Dan documented in detail how he planned to get close to Blair in order to exploit her secrets and write her as the heroine in his book after Norah Shapiro insisted that Clair Carlyle was far more interesting a character than Serena's fictional counterpart.

After talking to Nate and Serena about it Chuck had decided that he needed to tell Blair the truth. Dan was only with her to exploit her, nothing more. Their whole relationship was a way to milk information and story for a new book. Chuck had visited her the previous evening and handed her the journal and the two of them had agreed to meet up at the rooftop the following day. Now she was there, much calmer than he had expected her to be.

"I was shocked by what I read" she said, sounding calm. "I'm glad I got a chance to see it. But it doesn't actually change anything."

Chuck looked at her with confusion. How could this not change anything? It changed everything.

"Blair he's just using you" he tried. "Your relationship, it's not real."

"No..." Blair said thoughtfully. "It started as a ruse. It's not a ruse anymore."

"According to the journal it very much is."

"Don't believe everything you read, Chuck. What we have is real."

Hearing her say those words made Chuck feel like he was dying a little. How could she be alright with this? Where was her pride and dignity? Dan had betrayed her in a terrible way, used her cruelly, destroyed the relationships that mattered the most to her and all just to write a couple of books. It didn't seem to faze her at all.

"It's not okay, Blair" he said.

"Dan loves me for me" Blair said. "He sees me for me."

"So do I and so does Serena."

"You only see the worst in me." She sighed and looked at her hands for a moment. "Chuck I know there's a part of you that means well but let's be honest here. You wouldn't have come to me with this if you didn't think you had something personal to gain from it. I'm sorry but that's just not the kind of person I want to be with. I've forgiven you for a lot of crap but I can't forgive everything."

Chuck stared at her with bewilderment. Not the kind of person she wanted to be with? What about Dan's actions? He was only with her for personal gain and cared nothing about who she truly was. He exploited her every minute they were together but she didn't seem to mind it when it was Dan who was after personal gain.

"It's not like that" he tried. "I didn't come to you with this information because I thought you would throw yourself into my arms. I felt you had to know."

"Now I do know" she said. "It changes nothing." A smile appeared on her face. "Dan is taking me to Rome. We leave tomorrow morning."

"You always wanted to go to Rome" Chuck said. "Ride around on a vespa, throw coins into Fontana di Trevi... We thought about going the summer we dated but..."

"But you wanted to go to Stockholm so we went there instead. It was a nice trip. Though I think Rome will be much grander, you know?" A faint smile appeared on her lips and she looked down for a second. "I was a bit hesitant at first since it meant the relationship getting serious and I wasn't sure I was ready to take that leap with someone again. After thinking about it I realize I'm more than ready. This feels right. I can't wait."

He swallowed hard, trying to force the bile back down his throat.

"I hope you have a nice Roman holiday. Just tell me Blair, where does it stop? He leaked that video of us at your wedding, the video you said ruined your life. When you found out it was him you just shrugged it off like it was no big deal at all even though it caused you so much misery. He's isolated you from Serena, he's partly responsible for the situation with your prenup."

"Don't forget who's even more responsible" Blair shot back.

"I'm no angel" Chuck admitted. "Neither is he. Blair I just don't see how he can warrant your forgiveness when I can't."

"I suppose it's just love" Blair said simply.

Chuck swallowed and looked down on the ground. He couldn't look her in the eye right now. Hearing her talk that way about another man made it difficult to breathe. She didn't even seem to know or care how much she hurt him right now. Then he felt her hand on his cheek, gently angling his face back up so their eyes met.

"Thank you for being a good friend" she said.

"Don't mention it" he said, not recognizing his own voice.

"This time though you've worried over nothing. Please Chuck, for me, stop trying to go after Dan. Let me be happy."

"That's all I want."

"Then prove it. Show it."

He looked at her with bewilderment. What had he been doing all these months if not proving just that? Had she really become that blind to the things he did? For the first time he looked into her eyes and felt like he was talking to a stranger. The real Blair knew him. The Blair in front of him right now couldn't see him at all.

"I should go" she said. "Dan is waiting for me."

He stood there as if frozen, watching her walk away from him. He barely felt the tears wetting his cheeks or even the coldness of the wind anymore. It dawned on him in that moment that he had lost her for good. That perhaps he had never had her to begin with. It couldn't be possible for one person to love another and show as little regard for their emotions as Blair did with him. He had thought that the only thing that had ever been real was the two of them but he had been wrong. It had never been real. None of the words she had said about loving him these past few years had been genuine. At best she had loved the role she cast him in, the dark knight in her movie saga.

The realization made him feel empty inside. She might never have been his to lose in the first place. She had no love in her heart for him. Instead she was willing to give everything, accept anything and throw everything away in order to be with Dan Humphrey. Such cruel irony. Ever since Dan had appeared in their lives he had consistently taken away the people Chuck cared about. Serena, Bart, Nate, Eric, Lily. Now Blair as well. Lonely Boy always won and Chuck always lost.

What was he going to do now? What did he have left? Front row seats to how the woman he loved devoted herself entirely to the man he despised. No matter what good things Chuck did it made no difference to her and no matter what bad things Dan did to her she didn't care. He couldn't reach her no matter how hard he tried. She truly seemed to believe that Dan had loved her in secret for a long time and that he had been there for her always even though Chuck was the one who had always loved her and always been there for her. However hard he fought there was no way to win. Game over.

* * *

He stood in front of the bathroom mirror and eyed himself. It wasn't a very appealing sight. This was the great Chuck Bass, the one for whom the world was an oyster, the guy whose name alone was enough for a catchphrase? He looked pathetic. Weary, haggard, beaten down. There was something in his eyes that would probably scare people, some level of desperation, like an animal backed into a corner.

He looked back down on the counter. He didn't need to view that figure in the mirror anymore. The Chuck Bass he had been and the Chuck Bass he had wanted to be were both gone. It was time to move on. Without an ounce of hesitation he grabbed the bottle sitting on the counter. Sleeping pills. Very strong sleeping pills. Some doctor had prescribed them after the car accident when he was suffering from insomnia but he had only taken them once. The pills had left him feeling groggy the day after so he had deemed them too strong and not suitable. Good thing he hadn't thrown them out. Also on the counter was a bottle of antiemetics which he had been prescribed to help treat the nausea he had been suffering from the first days after the car accident. He would need both kinds of pills tonight.

He filled up a glass of water and opened the lid to the pill bottle. Without flinching or hesitating he emptied a number of pills into his hand and put them in his mouth, washing them down with the water. Then he repeated the action with the antiemetics. With a steady hand he filled up the glass again and walked out to the bedroom, bottle of sleeping pills in his hand. He got up on the bed and put the glass down on the nightstand. Then he filled his hand with as many pills as possible and swallowed them. He emptied the bottle and he emptied the glass, feeling strange but not yet sleepy. With a grunt he rolled over on his back and lazily adjusted the pillow, waiting for the pills to take effect.

He didn't have a single qualm about what he had just done. All he felt was relief. He wanted this whole nightmare to be over. Why should he grit his teeth and soldier on? Not even his own father cared much about him. Everything that had happened in the past few days cemented that fact. He doubted that his father would feel anything but relief that he was gone, perhaps mixed with irritation that his son caused unnecessary media attention and perhaps even painted Bart as a less than a pristine parent. If his passing caused Bart any grievance Chuck didn't particularly mind.

It wasn't the first time he had considered taking this step but up until now he had always thought the better of it because he didn't want to make Blair suffer. She would know why he had done it and feeling responsible for the death of the person you loved would be torture for anybody. Now that it was clear that she didn't care about him anymore he saw no reason to grit his teeth and keep bearing the pain. He had lost the last bit of hope he had been clinging to and without it there didn't seem to be a reason to go on. He could have probably lived with losing her but he could not live with knowing he meant nothing special to her and knowing that Dan Humphrey of all people did, nor could he live with watching her transform into someone completely different who shunned everything that used to be important to her. If he stayed in New York he would have to watch her new romance unfold and watch them get married and have children and live happily ever after. He would have to do it with a smile on his face because he was too proud to let anyone know how deeply it hurt. The only other option was to leave the city but he had no idea where he would go and the option didn't feel very appealing. Running away would only make him look weaker. The road he had chosen probably did the same but it wouldn't matter since he wouldn't have to live with it. That was the whole beauty of it. He would no longer have to live with the pain, the emptiness, the hopelessness.

He began to feel groggy and he wondered if the pills would have a soothing effect on his mood before they made him fall asleep. He didn't really want the last feeling he ever felt to be bitterness so it would be nice if he mellowed out. The pills were taking longer than he had expected to have the desired effect. Most of all he felt nauseous and like his limbs weighed a hundred pounds each. Perhaps he should take some more of the other pills but he wasn't sure he could make it to the bathroom and back.

Something landed on the bed next to him with a thud. It occurred to him that he was more affected by the pills than he had thought when it took him a few seconds to realize it was Monkey. The dog whimpered and licked his face. Half-heartedly he lifted his hand to swat the dog away. Monkey grabbed his sleeve and tugged at it before barking. Chuck hated when the dog barked and had trained him not to do so but right now he couldn't muster up the energy to tell him to be quiet or to shove him off the bed. After a few seconds or a few minutes the dog jumped off. Chuck had no idea where he went and didn't care much. His eyelids were getting really heavy and he welcomed the darkness. Not just to escape the pain in his heart but to get away from the damn nausea.

Somewhere he heard a ringing. It sounded like the elevator. Nate? He was supposed to be out of town until tomorrow. Perhaps it was housekeeping. Whoever it was it didn't matter. He let his eyes drift shut and felt a greater sense of relief than ever before. It was happening now. Finally. No more of the constant pain that had been his life from the day he was born.

He heard a voice speak. It sounded like it came from a far distance. He didn't care to try and reach it but he couldn't even if he had wanted to. It was too late for that. He was at the end. An ending which had annoyingly enough been hoped for by Dan Humphrey when he wrote his book. When he had first read "Inside" he had been saddened and deeply wished he wouldn't end up like Charlie Trout. At this point he could care less. As long as it was all over then to hell with the circumstances under which it happened.

"Chuck!" Blair's voice cried somewhere far off.

Hearing her voice annoyed him. She was not the last thing he wanted to think about. Her voice was not the last thing he wanted to hear.

"Chuck. Chuck wake up!"

Through the numbness in his body he could still feel that someone or something was touching him, even if the sensation was barely there. Whoever it was they could shake him all they wanted to. He couldn't be reached anymore.

"Chuck please!" Blair's voice echoed in the distance. "Chuck!"

It grew more distant every second but it didn't fade completely. Again he marvelled at how long it took to succumb to an overdose of sleeping pills. He had assumed he would take them and go to sleep like he would after taking just one pill only this time he wouldn't wake up again.

The last thought that went through his head was that her voice didn't seem to want to stop saying his name.

* * *

Her voice was still there as he drifted back into consciousness. It was the first thing he was aware of, her soft voice saying his name over and over. The second thing he became aware of was that he had one of the worst headaches of his life, that his mouth was completely dry and that he was both hungry and thirsty. Then followed awareness of softly beeping machines and that he had things attached to him.

Groggily and reluctantly he opened his eyes a tiny bit. There was a blinding light and he closed them again.

"Chuck!" Blair's voice said again, a touch more urging this time.

He groaned a little. He had failed. She had arrived in the nick of time, or at the very worst time depending on your point of view. He wanted nothing more than to drift back into oblivion and not have to face what was going to follow. He couldn't handle the way everybody would be treating him now that he had tried to commit suicide and he could especially not handle the way Blair would look at him now, knowing that he had chosen this way out.

He felt her hand on his arm, squeezing it.

"Chuck!" she said again. "Please!"

It didn't seem like he would be able to fade back into black. Very slowly and reluctantly he opened his eyes further. The first thing he saw was her, sitting on his right side, leaning over with an expression on her face as if she was waiting with bated breath. He wondered what she thought right now. Was she flattered that he had done this over her? Horrified? Enjoying the drama of it all? Worried about him? Bitterly he realized he had given her the perfect cause to martyr herself over.

She said his name one more time and he opened his eyes a bit further, trying to focus on her but it felt like he hadn't used his eyes in weeks. The world was blurry and far too bright and he squinted in the harsh hospital lighting. When he got a good look at her he saw that her face was lit by the most sincere and relieved smile he had ever seen on anybody before. A tear fell down her cheek and she laughed happily.

"Hi" she said.

"Mmm..." he managed, not sure if his voice would hold.

"Welcome back" she said before laughing again and wiping away another tear. "Thank God. Thank _God_. You had me so scared!"

He closed his eyes again, wondering how he would deal with the guilt everybody would be putting on him now. They would all be sure to tell him how selfish he was for choosing to bring himself out of his misery. Bart's numerous lectures would truly be one of a kind, as if he was one to talk.

"No, no stay with me!" Blair's voice said with a hint of fear. When he opened his eyes a bit again her smile returned. "You cannot know how happy I am to look into those eyes of yours again. I can't believe it! I don't even know what to say. I love you. I love you so much."

She reached over and pressed a button, then leaned in and gave him a kiss. He was too weak to protest even though he had a feeling that was the worst kiss of her entire life. They had probably pumped his stomach and he was in desperate need of brushing his teeth. She didn't seem to mind though, her left hand caressing his cheek and her eyes watching him with relief and happiness.

"It's so very, very good to have you back."

The door opened and a nurse came into the room. Blair turned to talk to her but she had already seen that Chuck was awake and hurried back out to get the doctor. Blair turned back to Chuck with a beaming smile.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

His tongue darted out to lick his lips and he smacked a little, wondering again if his voice would hold. He tried answer her that he felt tired but his voice came out hoarse and barely audible.

"Don't try to talk" she quickly said. "Relax." She seemed to notice that he was confused and took his hand in hers. "It's me" she said. "It's Blair. I'm right here Chuck."

"Why?" he managed to ask her but it came out so hoarse that she couldn't make out what he was trying to say.

The door opened again and a doctor came into the room. Blair turned her attention to him, her hand still holding Chuck's.

"Dr. Aldrin!" she said. "Look who's awake."

"Good afternoon Mr. Bass" Dr. Aldrin said with a smile. "I was beginning to wonder if I would ever get to properly meet you."

Chuck would have liked to roll his eyes but he was too tired to. He still felt more asleep than awake and all his limbs felt heavy. He glanced down at his body and noticed an IV attached to his left arm and an additional needle on his right hand but nothing actually weighing his arms down. He tried half-heartedly to lift his left hand and saw his fingers rise a bit from the sheets. They seemed to be working, just not at peak performance.

"Blair, if you would please wait outside" Dr. Aldrin said.

"I will do nothing of the sort" Blair snorted. "I have been waiting for this for far too long to be ushered out into the hallway now."

"You're not a family member" the doctor gently reminded her.

Blair glared at him for a few seconds but soon lost their battle of wills. She turned back to Chuck and leaned over to kiss his cheek.

"I'll be just outside, okay?"

Then she was up on her feet and out the door. It was a relief that she was gone. This was not how he wanted to get her love and concern and besides, if she wasn't displaying any of it until now it probably wasn't genuine anyway.

"How are you feeling, Mr. Bass?" Dr. Aldrin said and walked over.

"Bad" Chuck managed, just barely able to utter the word.

"It's no wonder if you're feeling a bit tired and overwhelmed" the doctor said, grabbing his wrist to check the pulse. "You've been asleep for a long time."

Chuck felt like pointing out that it wasn't the amount of hours he had slept that was the problem, it was the fact that he had slept deeply thanks to ingesting far too many sleeping pills that did it, but he couldn't bother to try and talk and say all of that. Most likely he would only get a few words along the way anyway.

"I'm just going to do a quick neurological exam" the doctor said and used a pen light to shine in Chuck's eyes.

Chuck pulled back a little and squinted, having a hard enough time adjusting his eyes to the brightness of the room without adding a bright light shining directly into his eyes. He blinked a few times when the doctor took the light away, seeing spots.

Dr. Aldrin continued his exam which Chuck found both tedious and pointless. Perhaps you could get brain damage from overdosing on sleeping pills but he could care less. He may have survived this time but he had no intention of letting that last for very long.

"Looks good so far" the doctor said, putting his notepad away. "Though I will send you for a head CT just to make sure."

The door opened and Lily walked in, smiling from ear to ear when she saw Chuck. He on his end looked away, unable to face her. She was the one person he felt bad about doing this to; the one person who had truly been there for him. He stared at his arm instead of looking at her, realizing that he was wearing a silk pyjamas. When had he gotten into that? He had been fully dressed when he took the pills.

"I couldn't believe it when the nurse called me" Lily said and walked over to the bed. "It is so good to see you awake again, Charles."

Chuck noted that Bart was nowhere to be seen but it didn't surprise him much. Biology or not, Lily was probably the only real parent he had ever had.

"I've just completed my neurological exam" Dr. Aldrin said. "He is tired and still a bit groggy but that is to be expected. Other than that everything looks normal though we'll wait and see what the CT shows before we hand out a clean bill of health. I also want a physical therapist to come by and do a bit of training. And of course a physical exam."

"No need" Chuck managed to croak.

"After all this time I think it's probably best" Lily said, stopping by his bedside and moving a strain of hair from his face.

"Time?" Chuck echoed.

"Do you know what day it is today?" Dr. Aldrin asked.

"Wednesday" Chuck guessed.

"And what date is it?"

"Mid... May" Chuck said. He had no idea what the exact date was but it wasn't a sign that there was something wrong with his brain. "Nineteenth... or later."

"Your birthday?" Lily said with a surprised face.

"It's early April" Dr. Aldrin said.

"No."

"April 7th, to be precise" Lily said. "Charles you've... Do you remember what happened? The car accident?"

"Months ago" Chuck croaked. Of course he remembered the car accident but what did that have to do with anything?

"It was months ago" Lily nodded. "You and Blair were both brought here when it happened. She lost the baby but other than that she was mostly fine. You were not so lucky."

"You had a severe head injury which resulted in you slipping into a comatose state" Dr. Aldrin told him gently.

"No" Chuck said, finding the very idea ridiculous.

"Mr. Bass you've been in a coma in this very hospital room for the past five months. We were beginning to worry that you would not come out of it but today you all of a sudden decided to wake up again."

Chuck didn't bother to respond again. He settled for closing his eyes to get some more rest. How could he have been in a coma for months if he was now feeling like he hadn't slept in a year? It made no sense. Knowing the people in his lives this might very well be some elaborate scheme to keep him from trying to kill himself again, like a backwards version of "_Goodbye Lenin_". It would only work for a few days until he was back home again but he wouldn't put it past them to try and pull something like that off. It exhausted him to think about having to deal with it.

"Are you feeling tired?" Lily asked, voice dripping with sympathy.

"Mmm..." Chuck mumbled.

"It's not surprising" Dr. Aldrin said. "It can sometimes take a while for the body to recover after the trauma of being in a coma for months."

Chuck opened his eyes and then his mouth, attempting to protest against the coma theory. He then closed his mouth again, figuring it was no use. He lifted his hand weakly and tried to move it up to his face to scratch his itchy nose, watching his own hand with fascination. It was kind of numb, the way it had sometimes been when Blair had fallen sleep on it and cut off some of the circulation. It was strange to realize he wasn't in complete control of his own limbs but he couldn't bother to be alarmed by it. When his hand finally reached his face it brushed against something unexpected and he pulled it back. He swallowed. It felt strange. It had felt strange the entire time he had been awake. His hand returned to his nose and felt something that wasn't supposed to be there.

"We put in a feeding tube" the doctor said.

Chuck let his hand fall and groaned. A feeding tube? Wasn't that something reserved for really old people who had lost the ability to chew?

"You've been through a whole lot" Lily said. "We're just so relieved you've woken up again. For a while there I was concerned that I might have to..."

She trailed off. Chuck had a feeling he knew what she had been about to say. He lifted his hand again and tried to tug at the feeding tube but his fingers wouldn't clasp around it.

"Get... it... out..." he insisted.

"Yes we can pull it out now" the doctor nodded. "First I just want to complete a physical exam. Mrs. Bass, do you wish to stay?"

"If it's alright with Charles" Lily said. She smiled and gave his shoulder a squeeze. "I know you're probably longing to have Blair back in here rather than me. We'll let her in again as soon as the doctor is done examining you."

* * *

Chuck's head was still hurting as bad as ever but his eyesight had gotten a bit clearer and his motor skills somewhat sharper by the time Dr. Aldrin finished his exam. Not that any of this made Chuck feel any better. He had a strange feeling that he had gone from the hell that had been his life for the past few months into limbo, probably meant to stay there for a while before being shipped off to the real hell. He didn't want to care about any of it but it was hard not to. He had thought he would be escaping everything that hurt when he took those pills but instead he was now trapped in a hospital bed with no chance of escape.

Lily kissed his forehead and promised to return in the morning with Serena. Dr. Aldrin left to arrange for Chuck to be taken for a CT and Lily followed him out into the hallway. When the door opened Chuck could see Blair flying to her feet from her seat on a red plastic chair. She exchanged a few words with Lily and then hurried into the room, closing the door behind her. She smiled widely again.

"Your head is fine, right?" she said. "The CT is just to be sure? I know you're okay. I can see it in your eyes."

"Not... okay..." he managed.

"Dr. Aldrin said I could have a few minutes before they took you to CT" Blair continued. "I've called Nate, I've called Dorota, I've called everyone I can think of to tell them the good news! You have no idea how excited I am!"

"No excitement" Chuck said.

"Of course there is cause for excitement" Blair laughed.

"No..." Chuck said, carefully shaking his head.

"You're awake again" Blair said, walking over to him. "We've got each other. What could possibly bring us down from that high?"

Chuck harked and was finally able to use his voice properly.

"I can't move my legs."

* * *

I intended for this to be my new ongoing story but I might leave it as a stand-alone. Thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

So this ended up being multi-chapter after all... Or at least it got a chapter two. I can't guarantee frequent updates or that the story will ever finish. My time and energy for writing is still very low.

Then again it's not a story with a clear dramaturgy so I guess it can be an okay fic even if it doesn't reach a set finishing point.

I hope this will be a good read. I tried my best to keep it as realistic as possible within the premise. Hopefully I've succeeded well enough and hopefully it won't bog down the story.

* * *

Chuck was barely aware of the world around him as they took him to radiology for the CT. His mind was focused on what the doctor had discovered, namely that he longer had the use of his legs. He couldn't wiggle his toes or lift his knees on command, nor could he feel anything when the doctor poked him with a needle. Dr. Aldrin was going to run some more tests but based on the information they already had and the scans they had taken while Chuck was comatose it appeared to be something pressing against his spine causing the paralysis. Whether or not it would be permanent was uncertain at this point.

At least this pointed towards something other than the people around him trying to trick him into thinking he never attempted suicide. How would one get paralysed from an overdose of sleeping pills? Perhaps this was the real world after all and he had been dreaming everything that he thought had happened after the accident. That would explain some of the truly strange things that had been happening ever since the accident took place, not the least of which being his father's return from the dead. Yet the thought of all of it having been a dream was too strange to just accept out of the blue, as was the news from the doctor.

He couldn't accept that his legs weren't functioning. His arms hadn't been working very well when he first woke up either. Maybe it would just take some time. Because if not... The very thought made him wish for the umpteenth time that he had just gotten to die. A life with paralysis, what would that mean?

Chuck Bass in a wheelchair? Unthinkable. Chuck Bass forced to rely on others to help him get dressed, get in and out of bed, get into a car? Not a chance. What was even worse was losing the ability to handle his personal hygiene. By now he was painfully aware that he had both a catheter and a diaper and he wasn't sure which one was more humiliating. If he was paralysed from the waist down that probably meant that he would be stuck with such accessories for the rest of his life. Not to mention what it would mean if his equipment refused to work anymore. There was no way he could be okay with that.

His head felt even worse than before and he was beginning to feel nauseous when they rolled him back from radiology. If what the doctor and Lily had told him was true he hadn't eaten anything in months so it wasn't such a wonder that his stomach was upset but he hated the sensation nonetheless. He felt groggy and completely exhausted, more than ready for a moment of peace and quiet and looking forward to when they would turn off the lights and let him have some lack of stimuli and some privacy to think.

When the nurses pushed his bed back into his room he noticed a cot that hadn't been there before and Blair sitting on it, running a comb through her hair. She said nothing as the nurses parked the bed, bid them a good night and left. Once they were alone she smiled warmly at him and put the comb away.

"I'm not supposed to sleep over" she said. "I'm not a family member and cots are reserved for family members. It depends on which nurse is working the night shift. Some of them don't mind. Tonight it's Nurse Kate and she's one of the best."

Chuck looked at her in silence, having nothing to add to that. Had she been spending a lot of nights there over the past months? He couldn't imagine anything more boring than to spend your night on a cot in a hospital room next to someone you couldn't interact with anyway.

She put her feet up on the cot and laid down, resting on her side and keeping her eyes on him with a serene smile on her face. He noticed that she was wearing a satin pyjamas, one he had given her when they were going out.

"Nate is coming by in the morning" she said. "Serena will be here too. Dorota offered to bake Polish pastries now that you're awake and can presumably eat again but I declined on your behalf."

He still didn't say anything, processing the fact that she had spent several nights sleeping on that cot just to be near him. After everything he had experienced in his dream – if it had been just a dream – it was difficult to wrap his mind around. He had grown used to not having her affections.

She looked thoughtful and then she sat back up. She walked the four feet up to his bed and with a determined look lowered the grid and got up on the narrow bed. He tried to move more to the left to make room for her but only his upper body complied. Carefully she avoided his IV line and wrapped her right leg across his hips, making sure to avoid the catheter tube. Not being able to feel her leg on his made everything seem even more weird and dream like. Her arm wrapped across him and she nuzzled her face close to him.

"I know this is uncomfortable" she said. "Just let me lay here for a minute. I want to be close to you."

"Lay here forever."

Her smile widened. He wasn't sure if he was smiling back at her or not but he hoped that he was. Her beauty was breathtaking and seeing that look in her eyes and knowing it was all for him made him feel better than he should be able to feel tonight. Her hand gently caressed his cheek and it almost made him well up. She was so close to him again, back with him. He thought he had lost all hope of moments like this but somehow he hadn't. He had been so desolate without her that it was overwhelming to think that she might be his again.

"I've really missed you" he said.

Her eyes filled with tears and a few spilled over.

"Hearing you say that... Having been by your side all these months hoping and praying for you to wake up... To hear you say that _you_ have missed _me_ is just..."

"I've missed you more than you will ever know."

"I do know" she said. "I missed you that much too."

She leaned in and kissed him tenderly. He frowned a little.

"That has to be disgusting" he commented. "When was the last time my teeth were brushed? You don't have to kiss me tonight."

"I don't give a damn what you taste like" she replied. "All I want to do is kiss you. Try and stop me."

Their lips met again and as if to prove her point he felt her tongue prodding at his mouth, begging for entrance. He let her in and put his hand at her neck, pulling her just a little closer. It felt so intimate and affectionate. Everything he wanted and needed was suddenly his again.

Their lips parted and she smiled at him again, unable to stop. Her long months of wait and worry had come to an end and she was ecstatic. There was only one thing that dimmed her joy and that was his leg function.

"Tonight is almost perfect" she noted.

"Yeah... almost."

"We'll figure this out" she said. "It doesn't matter if your legs aren't working right now. We're together. The rest can be handled. I can go through anything as long as you're there with me. The only thing I can't handle is losing you. Promise me you won't go and get hurt again."

"I think I've done my fair share for a while."

His head was spinning now and his eyes kept closing on their own. Each time they did he forced them open again. Blair's smile had faded a little and she looked more serious. Her hand moved a strain of hair from his forehead and then caressed his cheek.

"You're exhausted" she said. "You should get some sleep. I promise I'll move back to the cot in a little while and give you some space."

"Don't" he said. "Stay. As long as you feel comfortable enough."

He knew he would fall asleep any minute but he desperately wanted to stay awake. He was afraid of falling asleep. He couldn't trust that this was reality. He had gone from losing everything he cared about to having the one thing that mattered again. The transition had been way too fast and it worried him that maybe _this_ was the dream and that his mind had concocted it to help him cope. If he was actually dying and this was a hallucination as his brain was shutting down then he would be okay with going to sleep. What frightened him was the possibility of waking up in another hospital bed without Blair lovingly by his side, having been brought back from his suicide attempt.

This had to be real. It had to be. It seemed so very real. The hunger that was upsetting his stomach, the weary feeling in his arms and limbs, those could all be his body's reaction to having taken too many pills and having had his stomach pumped. But all the rest could not be explained away. It had to be real. He could feel her breath every time she exhaled. He felt the softness of her hand as it caressed his cheek. He felt the scent of her shampoo and when they kissed he felt her soft lips against his, her tongue playing with his and the taste of toothpaste in her mouth. It had to be real.

But if it wasn't...

"It's okay" she said gently. "Go to sleep. I'll still be here in the morning."

"What if I'm not here in the morning?" he asked.

"Don't say that. You're going to be fine."

"What if this isn't real? I had the most... unsettling dream and..."

"It was just a dream."

"A dream never felt so real. I was convinced it was real. Maybe it was and maybe right now is a wishful dream."

"This is real" she whispered, her smile reappearing. "You and me. We're the only thing that's been real, remember? When you wake up again I might not be in this bed but I'll be no further than the cot or possibly the restroom. I won't let anything bad happen to you or to us. I've feared losing you every day for five months now and I will not let you get away from me again."

"When you say things like that it scares me even more."

"Because it's tempting fate?"

"Because it's exactly what I want to hear you say. It's like you're reading from a script in my heart. It scares me to think that might be because this isn't real."

Blair's smile faded and her face turned to sadness.

"You've had a hard time" she said, still gently caressing his cheek. "Those months before the crash... I didn't treat you very well."

"Blair, no, that's not..."

"No I know I didn't. Believe me, I've been berating myself every single day these months you've been here at the hospital. I've asked myself how a person could treat someone the way I've treated you, the person I love more and more every day."

The familiarity of her last words made him shiver. This had to be a dream. His mind was putting words back into her mouth.

"And I'm so sorry" she continued. "You may have given up on _us_ in the past but I've never known you to give up on your belief in my feelings for you. Then I made that happen. Hearing me tell you what's in my heart shouldn't make you worried that it's not real because it's too good to be true."

"I just want us to have one more chance" he said sleepily.

"We do" Blair insisted. "This time we will make it. Nothing in the world can make me let go of you now."

His eyelids drifted shut again and this time he didn't have the strength to open them. He felt Blair's soft lips pressing against his again and then a few seconds later he faded into a deep slumber.

He woke up half an hour later when a nurse came in to check on him and angrily urged Blair to get out of his bed and back to the cot. They probably didn't intend to wake him but it was impossible not to given how closely Blair was lying. He opened his eyes a little and saw her fidgeting to get off the bed without waking him or getting caught up in any of the tubes attached to him.

"Miss Waldorf this is really unacceptable" the nurse hissed. "He needs his rest and he needs to be left alone in his bed."

"I'm moving, aren't I?" Blair hissed back.

"This is highly inappropriate! Don't make us regret allowing you to spend the night."

The hissing bickering continued while Blair got her feet down on the floor. Chuck lifted his right hand and weakly reached out to her.

"Blair..."

She spun around, surprised that he was awake. She gave him a reassuring look and leaned in to kiss his cheek.

"I'm just going to go sleep on the cot" she said. "I'll be right here, okay?"

He wanted to tell her to stay in his bed but he knew it would be futile. He didn't like the feeling he got when her warm body was no longer next to his own. Not only did it feel cold, it felt frightening. Like she was slipping away from him all over again.

"You should try and go back to sleep, Mr. Bass" the nurse said, walking over to fluff his pillow now that he no longer shared it with Blair. "Sorry about waking you. Your girlfriend needs to stay in her own bed though."

"It's no bother" Chuck whispered, eyes focused on Blair.

"It's not good for you either" the nurse replied.

"Nurse Betsy seems to think I will rape you if I'm too close to you without a chaperone" Blair said dryly, sitting down on her cot.

"Very funny, Miss Waldorf" Nurse Betsy said calmly. "You both need your rest and it's best had in separate beds for now. These beds aren't built for two."

Chuck opened his mouth to protest but felt too weary. The nurse finished her check-ups and left. He closed his eyes and rolled his head back to face the ceiling. He hated no longer feeling Blair's body next to him but he felt a little calmer nonetheless. He had gone to sleep and woken up and she was still there.

"I'm sorry about that" Blair said in a loud whisper that made him open his eyes again. "Most of the nurses are really nice but even the ones that are get kind of crabby sometimes. Apparently we just broke some major faux pas."

"We've been apart for months" Chuck said with a dry smile. "She should be thankful you were lying next to me, not gyrating on top of me."

"Chuck!" Blair said, blushing a little.

"Oh come on, I'm allowed a crude remark or two" he chuckled. Then he yawned big and closed his eyes again. "It's probably better sleeping like this anyway... This bed is barely made for one, let alone two."

"Since when have we ever spread out across a bed anyway?" she asked and he could tell from her voice that she was smiling. "Good night, Chuck. I'll see you in the morning."

"Can't wait" he mumbled.

* * *

It was early in the morning when the nurses came in to wake them up. Chuck felt like he hadn't gotten nearly enough sleep, the irony not lost on him. Blair yawned big and got up to kiss him on the cheek before hurrying to use the bathroom and freshen up. Chuck eyed the two nurses in the room with weary scepticism.

"What time is it?" he asked.

"A quarter past seven" the blonde nurse answered in far too chipper a tone.

"As far as I can tell all I have on the agenda today is to lie in this bed and do nothing" he said, a little pleased to hear that his voice was working better now. "Was it necessary to wake me at the break of dawn for that? The service at this hotel is not five-star."

"You need to be washed up and dressed and ready for breakfast at eight" the redheaded nurse told him.

"Listen, I may have been a vegetable to you up until you came on to work this shift but today I'm awake and I am Chuck Bass. If I want to eat breakfast after eight I will and if I want to eat breakfast without having shaved and showered and gotten dressed first then I will."

"Don't take offense, Mr. Bass" redheaded nurse said. "It's the daily routine on this ward. You need to have eaten before nine. Dr. Jones, who's head of neurology, will be coming to examine you and see what he can do about your back."

Chuck snorted, not believing for a second that there was a doctor on staff who could cure paralysis. Blonde nurse came up and smiled her chipper smile, gently grabbing his left arm. Carefully she began to peel off the see-through band-aid that held in place the catheter he got his IV from.

"Now that you're awake you probably won't be needing this anymore" she chirped. "Either way this one's been in for three days so it's time to change it."

"Probably won't be needing it?" he echoed.

"We need to make sure you can swallow food and beverages properly before we can take you off the IV nutrients" blonde nurse said merrily.

"Excuse me?"

"After so many months in a comatose state we can't know for sure yet that you can swallow without choking."

"So why the hell do I need to be ready for breakfast at eight? Ow!"

"Sorry" she said, trying to pull off the band-aid without pulling too much on the hairs on his arm.

The door to the bathroom opened and Blair came back out, dressed in the same outfit she had worn the day before, though Chuck had been too groggy the previous day to pay attention to her wardrobe. She carried a few toiletries in her hands together with her pyjamas and quickly put it all in her overnight bag. Then she walked up to Chuck and lovingly brushed the hair away from his forehead with a smile.

"You've got a packed schedule this morning" she said. "I'm going to go home and shower and change. I'll be back before rounds at ten. Is there anything you want? Anything I can bring you from your penthouse?"

He couldn't think of anything but she looked so eager to please that he tried to come up with something he might need.

"How about my iPod?" he finally said. "It's... I'm not sure. Nightstand?"

"I'll check" she said and kissed his forehead. "See you in a while. I'll miss you."

With that she was gone and he was alone with the two nurses. Redhead nurse lifted up the covers and asked her colleague for help to turn him on his side. The very idea of people having to do that for him made him furious.

"Excuse me" he said. "I am not turning on my side."

"I know the morning routine is unpleasant at this hour" redhead nurse said. "But we need to get you changed and cleaned up."

Realizing the full extent of what she was saying he wished for the umpteenth time that he could have just gotten to die instead. These two nurses, who were not that much older than him, were about to wash him up and change him like he was a baby or an eighty year-old at a nursing home. The mere thought was humiliating. Even worse was the realization that these two women and others like them had been doing this with him every day for five months. Had Blair ever been in the room while they did? Or Lily, or anyone else? If so then he should probably hope for a new IV so he could blow air bubbles into it.

"My arms are fully functioning" he snarled. "I can do my own damn washing up."

"The doctor feels it's better if-"

"I'm sure the hospital board will feel it's better if I don't sue for violation of privacy" Chuck cut her off. "Now get me a towel, some water and something to wash myself with and then get the hell out."

The nurses exchanged a look, silently debating with each other what to do. Then they gave in and did as he asked with the exception of getting the hell out. His eyes shot daggers at them as they busied themselves with tidying up the cot Blair had slept on. Having them in the room while he washed himself felt degrading but he realized it was a necessary evil. He could probably only push them so far. Who had ever thought that the combination of sponge bath and nurses could be this far from sexy?

* * *

After stopping by at her place to take a quick shower and change Blair went to the Empire. She stepped off the elevator and was greeted by Monkey who wagged his tail slowly and looked at her with a tilted head. Smiling she knelt down to pat the dog. The two of them had grown fond of each other over the past months, ever since the first night she had gone to the Empire after leaving the hospital, not wanting to go home and needing to have some connection to Chuck. Monkey had of course been there and she had felt strangely comforted by his presence. She had heard that dogs had a way of sensing when someone was sad and a way of comforting that person and at least with Monkey that turned out to be true. She had a feeling he missed his master and she began to shower him with affection and stopped by several times a week to take him for a walk or just pat him for a while. Taking care of Chuck's dog on some level made up for her inability to bring the man she loved out of his coma and made her feel connected to him. She had lost her baby and her soulmate might die on her and a dog Chuck had owned for less than a year somehow made her feel better.

Today she was smiling warmly as she scratched behind Monkey's ear.

"Guess what?" she said in a low voice, not wanting to wake Nate if he was still sleeping. "Chuck is back. He came out of his coma. He's coming home soon!"

She liked to believe Monkey could understand her, even though she knew that notion was ludicrous. She laughed a little and continued to scratch behind the dog's ear, longing for the day Chuck would be coming home. Monkey would belong to both of them from now on, at least that was how she saw it, and it was a comforting thought.

"You know, you've been a good friend to me these rough months, Monkey boy" she said. "When Chuck gets home he's going to need you like I've needed you. He has a hard time ahead of him, I'm afraid."

The door to Nate's bedroom opened and she looked up. Nate stood there looking slightly groggy, his hair a mess, his face unshaved and his t-shirt and pyjama-pants wrinkly. She rose to her feet again and was about to apologize to him for waking him up when she saw the slight smile on his face. Without uttering a word she walked up to him and hugged him close.

"Thank God" she whispered, feeling herself welling up.

"I couldn't believe it when you called last night" Nate said. "Are you sure it was for the better that I didn't come right over? I don't want him to think I don't care, you know?"

"Nate, he knows" Blair said. She pulled back a bit to look him in the eyes and smiled again. "He was really exhausted last night, a lot of stuff was going on... He'll be better prepared to meet people today."

"Why are your cheeks wet?" Nate asked, gently wiping away her tears with his finger. "Today is a good day."

She nodded, welling up again, and he pulled her in for another hug. She cried in silence for a few minutes, overcome with emotion. Monkey came up to them and sat down by her feet, looking up at her and whimpering.

"I was beginning to lose hope" she admitted. "Every day that went by without him waking up... I knew that his odds got worse."

"I never lost faith" Nate claimed, rocking her gently. "He's Chuck. It takes more than a coma to keep him down."

"He's paralyzed, Nate" Blair sobbed.

"What? What do you mean? That thing on his back?"

"Yeah, that whatever thing that's pressing on his spine. He can't move or feel his legs. I don't know what to do! He's not meant for a life in a wheelchair."

"Let's just take it one day at a time" Nate said. "The way we've been doing all these months. We knew this was a possibility and we know it may not be permanent."

"It's just difficult" Blair sobbed. "I thought that if he would only wake up everything would be fine. When does it end? When will things get to be easy for us?"

"Let's not think about it" Nate said. "Chuck woke up! That's amazing. Let's focus on that." He broke the hug and looked enthusiastic. "You know what we should do? We should bring him some of his clothes. He probably won't want to wear his PJs all day long anymore. If we could get him some of his suits and, and ascots and bowties..."

He strode over to Chuck's bedroom and Blair followed, slightly confused.

"Nate... I'm not sure suits are what he should be wearing right now" she objected. "He should be wearing something more comfortable."

"Suits _are_ what he feels comfortable in" Nate insisted and opened the doors to Chuck's walk-in closet.

Blair shook her head, not won over by the idea or his enthusiasm. She walked over to Chuck's nightstand and began to search through it.

"What are you searching for?" Nate asked.

"His iPod. He asked me to bring it."

"You'll probably have better luck on the other nightstand."

"Nate" Blair said in a condescending tone. "I dated Chuck for nearly a year. Practically lived with him in this penthouse, sleeping in this bed. I know which side of the bed he sleeps on, thank you very much. This is the side he sleeps on therefore this is where he would be putting his iPod away."

"He doesn't sleep on that side anymore" Nate shrugged.

Blair frowned.

"Well he's going to from now on" she declared, walking over to the other side of the bed. "This is _my_ side."

Nate smiled and held up a shirt.

"What do you think?"

"Perhaps something with a little less starch?"

"Like what?"

"Doesn't he have any clothes left from his... pre-suit era?"

"I'll pack this one" Nate said, ignoring her protests.

Blair rummaged through the nightstand and found the iPod and the charger. Her eyes fell on the alarm clock and saw that it was half past nine. She tossed the iPod and charger in her purse and hurried into the bathroom to get a toothbrush.

"I have to get going" she said. "I want to be back in time for rounds."

"You know they never tell you anything anyway" Nate pointed out, laying another shirt out on the bed. "No Monkey, get off the bed. No dog hair on the clothes."

"They can't force me to leave this time if Chuck wants me there" Blair smiled, walking back out from the bathroom. She gave Nate a kiss on the cheek and Monkey a pat on the head. "See you at the hospital?"

"Yeah, I'll be by after lunch."

Blair gave him a little wave and hurried off. He watched her go with a smile, relieved that everything was back to normal again. Chuck had woken up and him and Blair were back together. Everything else could be dealt with in due time.

* * *

Chuck wasn't feeling much better by the time Blair returned. The morning routine had been a humiliating experience and having to have a doctor observe him eating breakfast to make sure he could swallow properly felt degrading. Breakfast hadn't even tasted very good but he had been so starving that it didn't matter much. His meeting with Dr. Jones hadn't been neither informative nor uplifting. All he had learned was that he might regain function in his legs but he might also be paralyzed for life and while there was a surgical procedure which might give him the use of his legs back it was too high-risk at this point. For one they weren't sure they could do the procedure without causing even more damage and for another they really didn't want to put him under so soon after coming out of a coma. What Chuck had taken from that meeting was that he would be stuck like this for the indefinite future.

A group of doctors had just walked into the room for rounds when Blair returned. She walked right past them and took her place beside Chuck, taking his hand in hers. It was probably meant to be supportive but it didn't feel that way to him and he pulled his hand back. He rolled his eyes a little when Dr. Aldrin explained about his case to the crowd of eager interns and residents. He had a strong feeling they all knew about it anyway and had been in this very room several times before, and it made him feel like an exhibition at a museum. Dr. Aldrin repeated what they had learned yesterday and what conclusions Dr. Jones had drawn and then they moved on to some other unlucky patient. Once they had left Blair reached for her purse and held up the things she had brought.

"Toothbrush!" she declared. "I knew you'd be wanting one."

"I suppose I'm going to have to brush my teeth holding one of those kidney dishes under my mouth" he commented. "You heard what they said, right? That I should stay in bed for at least another few days and not stress my spine by moving to a... wheelchair?"

"It's just for a few days" Blair said, trying her best to stay positive. "I found your iPod. It was in the nightstand drawer. I'll just plug it in the charger for you." She walked around the bed to access the outlet by the window. "And, I got you a new phone."

"What's wrong with my old one?"

"Nothing... Except it's very, very smashed and in about fifteen pieces."

"Oh. Right."

"Eric managed to save the SIM-card and the memory card. Basically all you needed was the actual phone."

"Eric?"

"He's been by a couple of times" Blair said, walking back around to the other side of his bed where there was a chair for her to sit in. She took a seat and smiled slightly. "Here you go. It's a Nokia. I hope that's okay."

"It's fine" Chuck said, taking the phone she held out to him. "Guess I'll need this to update myself on all of Gossip Girl's blasts these past months." He studied it for a second and snickered. "You know what's funny?"

"What?"

"While I was... sleeping... I had this dream. Just one and the same dream, all these months. At least it felt like it. And in the dream Gossip Girl was gone. She quit after our accident because she felt responsible for tipping off the paparazzi."

"That's a fairly detailed dream" Blair commented.

"You don't know the half of it."

"Well, the important thing is you're not dreaming anymore" Blair said. "You're back in the world of the awakened where you belong."

The phone in his hand beeped and he stared at it for a second, almost as if at a loss of what to do. For some reason it made him nervous to receive a text. He saw that it was from Nate and opened it. It consisted of a picture of Nate and Monkey and the message: "_Your roommates want you back home as soon as possible. We've missed you._" He smiled sadly at the picture, finding the sentiment sweet but not encouraging.

"What was it?" Blair asked.

He handed her the phone.

"Message from Nate."

"That's cute" Blair said, looking at the picture. "It must be Serena taking the picture. Just like her to come up with something like that."

"Yeah" Chuck mumbled, taking his phone back and putting it on the bedside table.

"Nate's truthful in the text. He's missed you and Monkey has too."

"Monkey's a good dog" Chuck said. "It's a shame. I'm going to have to give him up now. Hopefully I can find a good home for him. It doesn't feel right to put him down."

"What are you talking about?" Blair said, wrinkling her nose with disapproval.

"I can't walk the dog anymore" Chuck pointed out. "I can't keep a dog I can't take proper care of."

"First of all who said you can't walk Monkey? Second of all did you think nobody's walked him or fed him or taken care of him these past five months?"

"He's my responsibility again and I can't take care of him."

"Chuck we are not getting rid of the dog. I've walked him while you've been here, Nate's walked him, Lily and Serena have walked him on occasion, staff at the Empire have walked him... Getting the dog some exercise is not even almost a problem."

"You've walked the dog?" Chuck said with eyebrows raised.

"Him and I have gotten to be really good friends."

"So you've been dividing your time between watching me sleep all day, all night and walking my dog? What about _you_? Haven't you spent any time taking care of yourself?"

"Don't worry about me" Blair said. "I consider this debate over and you, my dear Bass, have lost. The dog stays."

"Fine" Chuck said, feeling relieved. "The dog stays."

There was a knock on the door and Lily entered, carrying a large basket filled with flowers, fruits, chocolates and stuffed animals. Chuck couldn't help but laugh a little when she placed it on his lap and kissed him on the cheek.

"Good morning" she said. "It's so great to see you up and about, Charles."

"I'm barely up and definitely not about" he said, lifting up a plushie from the basket. "I think these are meant for new mothers and not for people who just came out of a coma."

"Try the pineapple. It's leaps and bounds above the hospital's jell-o."

"I'm betting so is the plushie. The basket is lovely, Lily. The only thing missing from it is a bottle of scotch."

"No alcohol for you" Blair said and lifted the basket off his lap to place it on the table by the window.

"How are you feeling today, Charles?" Lily asked.

"Better... I suppose... My right side hurts a little though." He grimaced and placed his hand just below the ribs. "I have an incision right about here, don't I?"

"The doctors had to operate when you were brought in" Lily said.

"Sounds like I made everybody's night quite dramatic" he deadpanned, grimacing again as he touched the scar.

"Chuck don't do that" Blair said with a slightly worried tone.

"What exactly did I hurt if they opened me up right here?" he asked.

Lily and Blair shared a quick look and then Lily took his hand.

"Charles, honey, when they brought you in you were bleeding internally."

"Sounds like it was serious" Chuck said and let his head fall back against the pillow, suddenly feeling very tired and not at all in the mood to hear about more misery his body had been put through. "You've never called me '_honey_' before."

"Your liver was damaged. They were worried they might not be able to save it and that you would need a transplant right away which would require a family member donating."

"I can do the math" Chuck said and felt about ready to go back into another coma. "I only have... one living family member and if I'm carting around part of his liver I'll probably keel over at any moment. He's the only person I know who drinks as much as I do without being an alcoholic. I hope they cleared him for hepatitis C before giving me any part of him."

"Don't worry" Blair said. "Jack did fly in to see if he was a match but they were able to save enough of your own liver to avoid having to do a transplant. But you can't drink for a while, until it's healed and grown a bit."

"Perhaps I wasn't in a coma caused by the accident, perhaps I was just having a really bad detox" Chuck muttered.

"You're going to have to be very careful for a while" Lily said. "There's still a slight risk that your liver might fail but we're hoping it will heal up properly."

"Was there anything that didn't fail after the accident?" Chuck asked wearily. "My legs, my liver, my ability to stay awake..."

"The important thing is that you're alive" Blair said, worried about his state of mind. "I lost my baby, Chuck. I wouldn't have survived losing you too."

He nodded slightly, the words eerily familiar. He had heard her say similar things in his dream. His eyelids were starting to feel heavy again and he closed his eyes for a moment. He probably should try to stay awake since Lily had taken the time to stop by but it was surprisingly difficult.

"Blair why don't you and I step out for a cup of coffee?" Lily suggested. "Charles can use a bit of rest."

"I've done nothing but rest these past months" Chuck mumbled, opening his eyes slightly.

"We'll check back on you in a while" Lily said, hanging her purse off her shoulder and taking Blair by the arm.

"I don't need coffee" Blair objected.

Lily ignored her comment and led her out of the room. Chuck's eyes were closed again before the door had closed behind them. When they were out in the hallway Lily let go of Blair who crossed her arms with a frown.

"I have been ushered out of that room enough times in the past five months, Lily" she said. "Now that Chuck is awake I am staying by his side unless he orders me out."

"He needs a bit of sleep" Lily said. "We might as well step out for a while and let him rest. He won't miss you when he's sleeping."

"I just don't like him feeling that I have abandoned him" Blair complained.

"Did he say that to you?"

"No. _I_ feel like he might feel that way. He's going through something really traumatic. I ought to be there with him."

"Charles has never wanted or expected you to drop everything and be by his side at all times" Lily said, placing a hand on Blair's back and leading her in the direction of the elevators. "He knows you love him even if you're not by his side. He needs a little time to himself too, to figure all this out."

"I'm worried" Blair admitted. "He's such a proud person. He's such a _vibrant_ person. How does someone like Chuck Bass accept being confined to a wheelchair? Needing people to help him get dressed in the morning? When you first told me about the injury to his spine I read a lot about people who got hurt in accidents and ended up paralysed. You know what they all had in common? Depression. Hasn't he been through enough already?"

"I think he is stronger than you're giving him credit for" Lily said, leading her onto the elevator. "It's not going to be easy but he has a strong support system. None of us are accepting this for the way it's going to be from here on out. We're all hoping he will regain the use of his legs."

"Until he does it's not going to be easy."

"It's not" Lily agreed. "Blair, we made it through these past five months. We can make it through whatever comes next."

"I hope so" Blair said. "I finally got him back. I can't stand the thought of losing him now that he's awake and sure to survive."

Lily nodded and wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulders. Blair sighed and leaned her head against Lily. Life had been such a turmoil since the accident. From the looks of it that was not about to change anytime soon.

* * *

Chuck slept until lunch and when he woke up Blair was sitting by the bed reading a fashion magazine, chewing on a pear from the basket Lily had left. She seemed to intuitively know when he woke up because when his eyes opened hers were already on him.

"Did I sleep for long?" he mumbled.

"Just a bit. Lily sends her love. She left but she'll be back this evening."

"Why are you still here? I know you'd much rather be out shopping than just looking at pictures of the clothes."

"I haven't done much shopping lately" she admitted and turned the page in her magazine. "My mother dragged me out for a shopping round when I got out of the hospital. Serena came along, full of forced chipper. I tried to refuse them but I did need some new clothes after..."

"After you lost the baby?"

"Yeah." She swallowed and harked a little, forcing herself not to think about it. "Anyway, point being, reading fashion magazines is enough to satisfy me."

Chuck reached out a hand and placed it on her arm, making her look back up at him.

"You're Blair Waldorf" he said. "Hearing you say something like that really saddens me. You love couture and you love updating your wardrobe."

Blair forced a smile and tried to keep her voice from sounding too emotional.

"I haven't had much use for new clothes over the past few months."

"Because you've been here all the time babysitting a vegetable?"

She looked shocked at his words and shook her head fervently.

"No" she said. "That's not it. I love you and I wanted you to know that I was here. I don't know if you could hear or feel or sense when you were sleeping but it was important to me that you knew you weren't alone. I didn't want to leave at all, ever, but my mother and the staff here at the hospital forced me to."

He frowned, unsure of how he felt about what she had said. On one hand he wanted her to stay and never leave his sight, especially in these first days after he had woken up again until he had grown accustomed to this being reality and what he had thought had been real was just a dream. On the other hand she had been so focused on him since the accident and it concerned him that she didn't take any time for herself.

"They did the right thing" he told her. "Look, it's not that I don't appreciate that you sat beside me. I just wish you would take care of yourself too. I'm awake now. I know you care for me. You can go out for a shopping spree with your best friend. In fact I encourage you to. Go out with Serena, have a great time, update your wardrobe completely and for a few hours try your best to forget about hospitals and IVs and that thing that monitors my saturation."

"I'm okay, Chuck" Blair said with a more genuine smile this time and closed the magazine. "I'll go shopping when I feel like it. Honestly, my mind hasn't been on fashion for a while now and that's okay. Let's just focus on getting you better and getting you home."

"I wish _I_ could take you shopping" Chuck said. "Who the hell knows when that will be possible?"

She looked down and opened her mouth to answer, smile now gone, but a knock on the door interrupted her.

"I hope that's not a nurse bringing me a tray of inedible hospital food" Chuck said.

The door opened and Nate came in with a bright smile and a small suitcase in his hand.

"Hey!" he said.

"Hey" Chuck said back.

"Great to see you awake, man" Nate smiled, walking over to the bed. "You've been quite the sound sleeper."

"So it seems" Chuck nodded. "I haven't wrapped my mind around it yet. Somehow everything I thought was happening over the past months was all a dream and the reality is this."

"You dreamt stuff? Stuff you can now remember? That's cool!"

Blair gave him a look but he ignored it and reached in to give Chuck a hug. Then he looked up at Blair and nodded to the door.

"Go on" he said. "Give us boys some privacy. I haven't had an actual conversation with this guy where he's replying to me in months. You can let me borrow him for an hour or so, can't you Blair?"

Blair wrinkled her nose, annoyed that Nate just assumed she would leave the room. What did they have to talk about that she couldn't hear? Was everyone going to demand time alone with Chuck now that he was awake again? When was she supposed to get to be with him if everyone they knew planned on stopping by for a private chat?

"Why don't you go get some lunch?" Chuck suggested to her. "Give Nate and I a chance to talk."

"Bring Chuck back some food" Nate recommended. "I saw what they're serving today. Some form of casserole that looks like prison food." He turned to Chuck. "If you've been cleared to eat regular stuff?"

"Yeah, it's fine" Chuck said.

Blair hesitated for a moment, looking from Chuck to Nate and back to Chuck. Then she stood up, acknowledging that she might as well go and get something to eat while Nate was there to keep Chuck company. But if they thought she'd be gone a full hour they had another thing coming.

"Don't talk him weary, Archibald" she said. "I've sat here for five months waiting for him to wake up. I'm not going to let other people soak up all his energy and leave me with the leftovers. You boys behave, both of you."

She gave Chuck a kiss and left. Nate walked around the bed and took a seat in the chair she had vacated.

"Blair remains the same" he noted with an amused tone.

"I worry that she's spent too much time looming over me" Chuck said. "I know she lost the baby. Has she taken any time to grieve and worry about herself or has she just been sitting here all the time?"

"I think for her watching over you has been a kind of grief therapy after the miscarriage" Nate said. "If she had lost both of you it would have broken her. Luckily she didn't and I didn't lose my best friend. It's great to see you awake again, man."

"It feels good to be awake again."

"I heard... Blair told me... Your legs..."

Chuck inhaled sharply and looked away.

"If you don't mind I'd rather not talk about it."

"Sure" Nate said. "We can talk about anything. You've missed out on a hell of a lot of stuff while you've been snoozing. Serena wanted the honour of updating you on everything so I'll leave it to her to do so but if you're interested I could tell you all about what's been going on with me. Oh, and I brought some clothes for you. I'm guessing these pyjamas are starting to feel a bit unfashionable."

"I can't really see myself in a three-piece suit in this room" Chuck admitted.

"Perhaps it's just what you need to feel better" Nate suggested.

"Perhaps."

Filled with enthusiasm Nate began to talk about what he had been up to over the months that had passed since the accident. Chuck listened with interest, glad to have something other to think about than his current condition.

* * *

It was evening by the time Blair got another moment alone with Chuck. After Nate's visit Serena came by, then Dr. Aldrin came to discuss the results of the CAT-scan again and after that it had seemed like an endless parade of nurses walking in to do various nursing things. Finally Lily had dropped by for another visit during which Blair had gone out to get some dinner. When she returned Chuck was exhausted and barely able to keep his eyes open. It annoyed her to no end that the hospital staff and Chuck's closest friends and family had sucked up all his energy and left her with a man who would probably be asleep within fifteen minutes. She had seen him sleep enough in the past months. She wanted to spend time with him awake.

"Things are a bit hectic right now" she said to him and sat down on the chair, trying to sound more positive than she felt. "People are really eager to come and see you but in a few days it will get calmer."

"There have only been three people here to see me excluding personnel. And you of course, but I got the feeling you're not counting yourself into the list of visitors."

"That's because I'm not a visitor" Blair said with faked cheerfulness. "I'm your loving, devoted girlfriend."

He laughed a little and studied his hands.

"It almost sounds weird to hear you say it."

"You look tired" Blair said, switching to worry. "If all these visitors are too much for you then I can talk to everyone."

"Don't. It's fine."

"Are you sure? I don't want you to be worn out."

"I'm not."

"You look tired."

"I'm not worn out" Chuck said in a harsher tone than he had intended.

Blair was quiet for a second and looked very worried.

"I just want you to be okay" she then said.

"How can I possibly be okay? Nothing about this is okay. Dr. Aldrin and Dr. Jones were kind enough to stop by while you were out having dinner and have a little chat with me. You want to know the topic? Things that come with being paralysed. Things I now need to get used to. Like needing an assistant to get dressed in the morning and to get from the bed to a damn wheelchair. How the hell am I supposed to be okay when I can't even go to the _bathroom_ on my own? You find adult diapers sexy? Or a catheter?"

"No" Blair said. "But it's going to work out."

"Like hell it is. And speaking of going to the bathroom that's exactly what I need to do right now only I can't physically get there on my own and the doctors say I shouldn't even try sitting up yet. Do you have any idea how humiliating a bedpan is?"

She looked away with a dejected expression. Chuck sighed angrily.

"I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. I appreciate the support but the whole optimistic routine needs to take a break for the day. I can't be optimistic right now. This whole thing sucks real bad." He sighed again and shook his head slightly. "Life's just one train wreck after the other."

Blair said nothing and refused to look at him. He studied her from the corner of his eye and wondered if she was on the verge of crying. He wondered what was wrong with him. It had only been a day since he woke up and the dream he had been dreaming was still very vivid in his mind. Things were awful right now but they were better than they had been in his dream.

"I'm glad you're okay" he said. "That's what matters most. I'm _really_ glad that you're here. You do not know what that means to me. I swear I'll try to not be a mess about all of this but I... tonight I just can't, okay? I feel humiliated and I feel afraid. Living the rest of my life with assistants and never seeing anything from higher up than four feet? No matter how I spin it I can't be fine with that right off the bat."

Blair turned her face back towards him but kept her eyes on her hands. When she spoke her voice trembled a little.

"I'll go get a nurse" she said and stood up. "So you can... use the bathroom."

Chuck kept back a groan. Not only was it degrading to have to ask for help for something so rudimentary but Blair knowing all about it made it worse. He deeply hoped she had never been in the room when they had handled any of the other bathroom related issues while he had been asleep.

Blair stopped by the door and turned around with a thoughtful look on her face.

"I thought you and the doctors said you're paralysed from the waist down."

"As evident by the fact that I can't get my legs out of this damn bed."

"How can you tell that you need to go to the bathroom if you can't feel a thing below the waist?"

Chuck had no idea what she was talking about and glared at the fruit basket to avoid having to look at her right now.

"Mind waiting out in the hall for this?"

"I'll go get a nurse" Blair said with a hint of a smile. "Then I'll get Dr. Aldrin up here and tell him that you're not quite as paralysed as he suspected."

* * *

An hour later everything was calm and quiet. Chuck had gotten Dr. Aldrin's permission to lie on his stomach for a while and he rested his right hand under his head while the left hung over the side of the bed. Blair sat on the chair right next to him, her eyes locked with his and her fingertips gently playing with his. Neither of them had said a word since the hospital staff had left the room ten minutes ago. They didn't feel any need to speak. In that moment it felt like enough to just look into each other's eyes and let their eyes do the communicating for them. The light touch of their fingers playing was all the touch they needed right then. Just knowing that the other was there, responsive and reciprocating.

After a while Blair let her fingers glide up Chuck's hand, taking it in her own. She got up and leaned over him, kissing him tenderly. Then she sat back down, his hand still in hers. He smiled at her, wondering if she knew how happy he was to have her there.

"I have to go soon" Blair said in a soft voice.

"You can't stay?"

"Nurse Nancy is on tonight. She's very strict about only letting family members spend the night. It doesn't matter if nobody's using the cot. It's a point of principle with her."

"I need to learn the nurses as well as you know them" Chuck noted.

"Don't bother" Blair said with a sweet smile, rising from her chair again. "You'll be home long before you've had any use of knowing all their names."

"I wish you didn't have to leave" Chuck said, feeling uneasy. He still felt like he might not be in the real reality and now that it was late evening he didn't feel comfortable letting her out of his sight.

"I'll be back tomorrow" she said and squeezed his shoulder.

"I'm not much fun to visit" he said with a joyless laugh. "If you'd rather not come..."

"Don't try to push me away, Bass. It's not going to work. I told you the night of the accident, you are the person I never want to leave."

"I'm not going to be much fun in the near future" Chuck commented. "We may have learned tonight that the paralysis doesn't actually kick in until below my hips but that still leaves nearly half my body that's unusable. It's going to take some getting used to. I can't promise that I'll be able to deal with it with a smile on my face."

"No one is expecting that of you" Blair pointed out. "Be mad all you want. Scream and yell and curse and do whatever works for you. When you're done I'll be here. I know how bad this sucks but just like I have to accept that you're mad and frustrated you have to accept that I'm relieved and happy. I thought you were going to die, Chuck. I can handle anything but I can't handle that. So your legs not working right now is something I can accept."

She leaned in and placed a peck on his lips, her hand caressing his cheek. She smiled a little and grabbed her purse. Chuck watched her in silence, feeling a knot tightening in his stomach at the thought of being alone. During the day it hadn't felt like much of a problem but he found he really didn't want to be by himself for the night.

"The physical therapist comes by tomorrow" Blair said. "I think that will be great. She can help you recover from this."

"One can hope."

"See you tomorrow, my love" Blair smiled.

"Have a good night" he managed.

She walked to the door and stopped, turning to look at him.

"Chuck, if you don't mind... I would like to go to your place and spend the night. I could walk Monkey before bed."

"You don't need to ask my permission" Chuck said. "Sleep there all you want."

A smile spread across her face.

"I wasn't sure if it was okay. I mean, we got back together before the accident but we weren't officially a couple again and..."

"Give Monkey a hug from me" Chuck said. "And scratch Nate behind his ear while you're at it. Sleep tight."

"See you in the morning."

She left and he stared blankly at the wall, feeling lonely and empty. At least when she was there he could keep his darker thoughts at bay. Now that he was alone there was no stopping them. Thoughts about the things he had dreamt, thoughts about his current situation, thoughts about everything he had missed out on for the past five months. He closed his eyes hard and took a trembling breath. This was going to be a difficult summer.

* * *

No promises on when this will be updated. Hope it was a good read though!


	3. Chapter 3

So, I wrote another chapter for this story. Hope it's entertaining!

* * *

_Bruised and battered, numb from the shock of the news that she had lost her unborn child, Blair walked into the room where Chuck was lying after his operation. He looked dead. It frightened her. She knew he was just sleeping, still under anesthetics and carefully guarded by the nursing staff, but he was so pale and didn't seem to be moving a muscle. She walked up to him and sat down on the chair by his bedside._

"_Hang in there" she whispered, placing her hand on his. "I'm right here, Chuck. I won't leave you. I'm so very sorry about all of this."_

_She sat there for a few minutes without knowing what to say. Maybe she didn't need to say anything at all. Maybe it was enough that he could sense her presence and feel her touch. There was so much she wanted to tell him and needed to tell him but the words couldn't seem to come out. They could wait until he had woken up from surgery. She wanted to tell him everything when he was awake and could hear her._

"_Blair?"_

_It was Serena's voice. Blair did not look up._

"_Blair you need to come with me" Serena said. "The doctor said... Well... They have to... do a procedure... since you lost the baby... Plus your mother will be here in ten minutes and she'll want to see you."_

"_It can wait" Blair said, eyes fixated on the man in the bed. "It can all wait. I'm not leaving him."_

"_I know you want to be with him until he's woken up from surgery but you need to take care of yourself too" Serena said gently. "He will be okay while you're seeing the doctor and while you get your rest. Mom is in the cafeteria talking to Jack but she'll be back here in fifteen minutes and she'll sit with him. He won't be alone."_

_Blair wanted to protest but she knew Serena was right. It could still be a few hours before Chuck woke up from his surgery and she was exhausted. Sooner or later she would have to go back to her own bed and get some sleep and she knew that her mother would want to see her alone when she arrived. She couldn't sit by Chuck's bedside the entire time. She just didn't want him to wake up when she wasn't there. She couldn't allow for him to think that she didn't care about him. That she had abandoned him at a time when he needed her to be there more than ever._

"_Blair..." Serena said again._

"_Okay" Blair nodded._

_She rose and leaned in to kiss his brow but stopped herself halfway there. His head was bandaged and she wasn't sure what was okay to touch. She gave his hand a squeeze and took a few steps towards the door._

"_I'll be with you in a minute, Serena. Go tell the doctor I'll be right there. I just... I need one more moment with him."_

"_Sure."_

_Serena left and Blair turned back to Chuck. She shivered and pulled her robe tighter around her, afraid of the procedure the doctors would be performing on her, afraid of the emotional pain she knew she would be in now that her baby had died and afraid of letting down the one person she needed in order to get through this ordeal. She felt like she had let her baby down and couldn't handle the thought of Chuck feeling she had let him down too._

"_I wish I could be here every single second" she said. "You're all that matters now that... now that the baby is gone. I need you like you need me. I wish I could stay but it's impossible for me to be here every second. Just... Just know... Just don't wake up and think I've changed my mind because I'm not here or that I don't care. Even if we can't be together at all times that doesn't mean I don't love you."_

_She walked out of the room never knowing that as she did Chuck opened his eyes and saw her retreating figure. His eyes drifted close again and wouldn't open for almost half a year. When Blair got an update on his condition after her own procedure had been finished he had slipped into a coma._

* * *

"Thank God I'm finally getting out of here" Chuck said.

Blair looked up and smiled slightly. Then she returned her focus to folding his clothes and putting them in the suitcase Nate had brought. It made her a bit uneasy to see him sitting in the wheelchair. The doctors hadn't allowed him to leave the bed for the first few days and today was the first day he had gotten in the wheelchair. Seeing Chuck Bass sitting in that thing was strange and she couldn't grasp that it was reality from now on.

Chuck seemed to be okay with it for the time being. He was rolling himself forward then backward, testing the way to drive and steer the new mode of transportation. He was mostly just relieved to be out of bed and to get to go home and didn't waste much time or energy thinking about the fact that he was now confined to the wheelchair.

"I'm sorry I can't stay and follow you home" Blair said, looking a bit dismayed. "Lily insists that there will be too much media coverage if I'm with you. I really don't see what the big deal is but she was adamant and it was just easier to agree. The upside is I will have enough time to make sure everything is ready at the Empire for when you get there."

"As long as my bed is still there, my stuff is still there and the bar is still there everything is just right."

"No using the bar" Blair said firmly. "You know what the doctor said."

"I doubt one scotch is going to do me in."

"Until we know for sure we aren't taking any chances."

She took a break from folding the clothes and looked at him. He was completely focused on the wheelchair and in driving it forward and backward. Judging by the look on his face it wouldn't be long till he was trying out different stunts and tricks to perform with his new ride. Seeing him awake and alert and full of life was a blessing and today it felt better than ever. He was finally out of bed and they were going home. Life could begin to move again and they could start trying to figure out what was normalcy now.

They still had a lot of things to figure out that weren't related to his injury. They hadn't talked much about the baby she had lost but she knew they would have to. She could tell that he wanted to ask her about it and how she felt now but it had not been the right time yet. Then they had to figure out where their relationship would go from here. They had been thrown into a whole new situation that could be damaging to any couple and even more so to one that had just been reunited half an hour before being in an accident of this magnitude. While she had been keeping vigil at his bedside she had felt that if he only woke up again everything would be great. All other problems seemed so easy to manage when you were holding your comatose boyfriend's hand but at the back of her mind she had known that it might not even be correct to call him her boyfriend. They had not had time to establish whether or not they were officially together before the crash. She had still been engaged to another man. When they were in the limo it had felt like they were so far past terms like "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" and that what they shared was on a whole other scale and their connection at a whole other depth. When the doctors had asked her if she was his girlfriend she hadn't known what to answer at first. Most people did not spend the first months of their relationship, rekindled or brand new, with one person in a coma.

"All done packing?" Chuck asked, noticing her silence and how she hadn't seemed to move a muscle for several minutes.

"No" she said and returned to the task. "I just... got lost in thoughts."

"Only pleasant ones, I hope" he said. "It's almost impossible to think about positive things in here. I want to be back out in the real world."

It was partly true. He was dying to get out of the hospital yet he was nervous to return to the world which was both his reality and the setting of his multi-month dream. Especially since he would be returning not exactly good as new.

The door opened and Lily walked in together with Nancy, the nurse both Blair and Chuck was the least fond of. She was in her mid-twenties, very strict and not fond of anything that broke protocol or the way she felt things should be. Blair rolled her eyes when she saw her. It was typical that she should be on duty on the day Chuck was released.

"I see you have already gotten in your chair, Charles" Lily said with a bright smile, tossing her purse on the bed in spite of Nurse Nancy's disapproval. "I ran into Dr. Aldrin in the hallway. He will be in to have a little talk before you leave and then we can go."

"I hope he'll be here soon" Chuck said. "I can't wait to be away from Nurse Ratched's watchful eye."

Nancy gave him a look but refused to be goaded. She knelt down beside him to remove the PVC on his left arm and he winced when the adhesive tugged at the hairs.

"There's got to be a way to do this more quickly" he said.

"There isn't" Nancy replied. "I need to loosen the adhesive before I can remove the tube. I did offer to shave the patch on your arm before I inserted it two days ago."

"I told you then and I'm telling you now I will not have a patch on my arm shaved" Chuck said testily.

"Seems like you're getting it waxed now" Blair commented. She walked over and leaned down to place a kiss on his cheek. "I will leave you in the loving hands of Lily and Nurse Nancy. All of your things are packed and ready. See you at the Empire!"

"Charles I still don't know why you won't take me up on the offer to come stay with Rufus and me for a few days" Lily said while Blair left. "I don't think a hotel, no matter how great the standard, is a suitable place for you right now. You should have family around you. People who can take care of you."

"I'm fine, Lily" Chuck insisted calmly. "Or I will be once Nancy here is done vandalizing my arm."

Nancy gave him another look and got a good grip on the last patch of adhesive, giving it a forceful tug that made him wince. Then she smiled a little and pressed a band-aid on the spot where the catheter had been.

"All done."

"Thank God" Chuck winced. He looked up at Lily, rubbing his arm a little. "I'll be fine at the Empire. Nate is there, he can help me if I need anything. Those assistants you hired will be there. Blair will probably be there too and make sure everyone else is doing what they should be doing. It will be fine."

"I hope so" Lily said sceptically. "Just know that you can change your mind at any time. Rufus and I would be glad to have you."

"Rufus is not exactly my biggest fan" Chuck reminded her.

"Okay you're all done and ready to go" Nancy said. "Just sign the discharge papers and you can be out of here and free of my reign just as soon as Dr. Aldrin has had a chance to speak with you. Good luck in the future."

"Thanks..."

She left and Chuck raised an eyebrow at Lily.

"What do you want to bet she's just thrilled that when she comes to work tomorrow I won't be here anymore?"

"Don't be unfair to her" Lily said. "She may be a touch rigid but she's taken good care of you while you've been here. I took the liberty of sending a few boxes of chocolate to the staff as a thank you for the good care they've given you."

Chuck looked out the window at the city below. It felt strange to finally be heading out there again. Lily walked up and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

"Nervous..." he admitted. "I had such strange dreams when I was under. Very unpleasant dreams. I'm not sure how I will feel returning home and going to all kinds of places that in my dream were the settings of some really unpleasant moments."

"I think it will be good for you" Lily said. "Dreams are not real. You've always faced hardship stubbornly and head-on. You will do the same today."

"As it turns out, spending a few months trapped in coma land can do a thing or two to your confidence" Chuck said.

"I never said it would be easy" Lily pointed out. "Still I have every faith that you can handle it. All of it. You are by far the strongest of my children even though you could benefit from leaning a bit more on others from time to time."

Chuck made no comment but wondered to himself if he really was as strong as Lily seemed to think. Right now he sure didn't feel very strong. As bored as he was by the hospital setting and as much as he disliked hospitals in general there was something scary about leaving. At least within the routines and the shelter of the hospital he was safe from having to deal with the everyday issues that were bound to follow. He didn't have to adjust to being Chuck Bass in a wheelchair until he left the hospital.

The door opened and Dr. Aldrin stepped inside. Chuck turned the chair around rather clumsily in order to face the doctor and tried to pay attention while the older man prattled on about his months in the hospital, his test results and what to expect in the future. As soon as he was done talking Chuck rolled up to him and extended his hand, eager to shake hands and get going already. As nervous as he was to leave he still wanted it over with.

"Here Charles, would you hold this?" Lily asked and handed him the suitcase. "I hope you don't mind but I'd prefer it if you did the carrying and I did the driving."

"Lily I can roll my own damn chair" Chuck said, irritated by her suggestion.

"Nobody said you couldn't" Lily diplomatically answered. "What you don't know how to do on the other hand is find your way out of this building. I hope you don't take offense but Blair took the liberty of scouting out the smoothest route to get from this ward to the parking garage so you don't have to run into too many people. We sent out a press release that you're being discharged tomorrow in the hopes that we can fool the photographers a bit but there's still a chance of one of them lurking around and I assumed you would rather not end up in the news until you feel you've recovered more."

While she talked she grabbed the handles on the wheelchair and began to roll it out of the room, preventing him from objecting by her stream of words. Out in the hallway she only stopped for him to sign the discharge papers Nurse Lola handed to him and then they were off again. She continued to talk but Chuck had stopped listening, his mind on some of the things she had already said. He had been so wrapped up in his paralysis and in grasping that everything he had thought to be real over the past months had actually been just a dream that he hadn't thought about the media being interested in his new situation. Of course they would be. Those vultures lived for this kind of thing.

With a growing sense of alarm he realized he wasn't ready for that. He wasn't really ready for anyone to see him like this. Being stuck in a wheelchair so fundamentally went against everything he wanted to be and how he wanted people to see him. All they would see now was the chair and all they would feel was pity or sympathy. He couldn't stand the thought of it and it almost made him crawl out of his skin to think about it. He was Chuck Bass and that was how he wanted to be seen but it was too late to object now. He had signed the discharge papers and Lily was soldiering on, having stopped talking but heading for the elevators with determined steps and probably thinking he was eager to get home.

"How..." he began nervously. "How is this going to work... exactly? Arthur's got the limo down in the parking garage?"

"Yes" Lily said. "He will take you to the Empire's garage and from there we'll go straight up to your penthouse. I assumed you weren't keen on going through the lobby today."

"You're very perceptive" Chuck said absentmindedly.

She didn't say anything else, apparently sensing his troubled mind and realizing he wasn't in the mood for conversation. They made it down to the parking garage without saying much and Chuck began to wonder how he was supposed to get from his chair and into the limo. As it turned out Lily had already thought of that and two orderlies were waiting when they arrived. Arthur, acting on Blair's instructions, only told his boss that it was good to see him again and made no comment on the wheelchair, acting as if it wasn't there at all.

Once he was inside the limo Chuck exhaled slowly, looking out the window even though there was nothing much to see inside the garage. Lily sat down on the other seat and said nothing at first, letting him have a moment to adjust. Then she decided he had been in his head for long enough and broke the silence.

"Blair went ahead to the Empire to make sure everything was ready" she said.

"I know" Chuck said absentmindedly. "She mentioned."

"I just wanted to be sure you know what that entails" Lily continued. "This is Blair we're talking about and she has been eagerly awaiting your homecoming for quite some time now. If you're expecting to return home to a calm and peaceful penthouse you're going to be disappointed."

"She's got banners and catered food and a mariachi band waiting, doesn't she?" Chuck said, taking his eyes from the window and looking at his adoptive mother.

"I should assume it's a string quartet."

He chuckled a bit and looked down on his lap. He wasn't very keen on seeing a lot of people but he had expected Blair to throw him some form of welcoming home party. In a way it was just as well. Gathering everyone at one place and appearing to them for the first time in his new condition meant getting it all over with at once.

"It's fine, Lily" he said. "Blair means well. If this is something she wants to do then it's fine with me."

"Just know that the minute you've had enough all you need to do is claim you're tired and need to go lie down" Lily said. "Even if you're lying."

He chuckled again.

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind." He made a pensive face and bit his bottom lip for a second. "I don't mind Blair throwing me some form of welcoming home fiesta... What concerns me is what it will feel like to return to my home and see all the equipment the physical therapists and occupational therapists kept babbling about."

Lily nodded slowly. She knew Blair had done her best to make sure any equipment he would need would be placed as discreetly as possible and as hidden from view as possible but they could never hide the things completely.

"It will take some getting used to" she said. "Give it a week, maybe two, and you won't even notice it anymore."

"Isn't that equally depressing?" Chuck sighed and looked out the window.

Lily didn't answer, letting him slip back into his thoughts.

* * *

"Lily just texted me" Blair said, trying to hide how nervous she felt. "They're in the parking garage and will be up here any minute."

"Blair it's not a surprise party" Serena said calmly from her spot on the couch. "We don't need an ETA so we can all hide in time for him to arrive."

"That doesn't mean we shouldn't all be prepared" Blair said, walking over to adjust the '_Welcome home Chuck_' banner.

"Are you sure all of this is such a good idea?" Nate asked, grabbing a grape from a platter. "Chuck's not big on these kind of things. He probably won't be feeling very festive right now anyway and since there's practically nothing alcoholic being served..."

"The point is not for us all to feel festive" Blair claimed, slightly annoyed at the negativity. "The point is for us all to show Chuck that we love and support him."

"He knows that already" Serena said. "I don't mind throwing something together to show him; I'm just thinking it can be... a bit much right now."

"I think I know my boyfriend a bit better than you do" Blair said, smirking at her. "He'll appreciate the gesture. Now stop sounding so negative and start sounding supportive. He'll be here any second. Where is Monkey?"

"With me" Nate said, tossing a grape to the dog who caught it in the air.

"Grab a hold of his collar, please" Blair said.

"Oh come on Blair, let him say hi to Chuck when he arrives" Nate said.

"I don't want him to rush over and practically attack him out of sheer excitement" Blair said. "You know how dogs can get. I want him kept held back until the worst of his excitement has passed. The last thing Chuck needs is to have his chair fall backwards because his dog tries to jump up on his lap."

Nate rolled his eyes but grabbed Monkey's collar nonetheless. The elevator rang and Chuck wheeled himself inside the penthouse with a slightly wary look on his face. A chorus of "Welcome home" and variations thereof greeted him from the eleven people Blair had gathered in the penthouse. He smiled a little, feeling slightly awkward and a little touched. Lily gave his shoulder a squeeze before walking over to get some refreshments.

"Finally, you are back at your empire and back in the real world" Blair said with a happy sigh, walking over and leaning down to greet him with a kiss.

"Blair you shouldn't have" Chuck commented on the gathering, only half in modesty.

"Only the best for you, my love" she replied cheerfully. "We've got your favourite éclairs, the finest caviar in Manhattan and Dr. Aldrin has agreed to let you have half a glass of champagne. Dom 95, of course."

"I'd rather have scotch if it's all the same to you."

"Scotch is too strong" Blair said.

Monkey, who had been whimpering louder and louder and fighting to get away from Nate, barked twice. Chuck opened his mouth to chastise the dog but couldn't bring himself to do it. Instead he laughed a little and his smile got more genuine. He realized he had really missed the dog and he was glad to see Monkey hadn't forgotten him.

"Nate let go of Monkey" he said. "Come here boy, let me say hello to you."

Nate was more than happy to release his grip on the collar even though Blair clearly disapproved. Monkey ran up to his master, barking and whimpering with excitement, his tail wagging so fast it was like a furry brown blur. He stood on his hind legs trying to reach Chuck but Blair pushed him back.

"Careful Monkey" she said.

"It's okay Blair" Chuck said with a little laugh. "Come here boy. Have you been a good dog while I've been gone?"

"Hello, can those of us who walk on two legs get some appreciation?" Serena said, waving from her spot on the couch. She got up and walked over. "I may not bark and slobber but I've missed you too and I'm glad to have you back home."

"Thank you, sis" Chuck said, trying to scratch Monkey behind the ear but the dog was too excited to keep still.

A few minutes later Monkey had calmed down and Chuck found himself sitting next to the couch making somewhat awkward conversation with a few of the people Blair had invited over. He could tell most of them wanted to ask questions about how he was handling his new situation and what he planned to do next but it was only Nate who seemed to dare to actually open his mouth and speak about it.

"Does it feel any better now that you're mobile?" he asked, leaning back on the couch with a glass of champagne in his hand.

"I haven't had a chance to reflect" Chuck answered, leaning forward to scratch Monkey's ear. "At first I will have to rely on assistants to help me with the day to day stuff but according to the occupational therapist I will need to rely on them less and less with time if I'm a good boy and do my exercises."

"So you will be having assistants running around here at all times?" Serena asked, unsure of how she was supposed to react to that.

"At first, yes. Though it's not as bad as I first expected. It's refreshing to know I can handle my own personal hygiene, albeit with some minor assistance" Chuck noted. "Exception being taking showers since the assistants will still need to get me from the wheelchair to the thing I'm supposed to sit on."

Blair frowned deeply.

"Absolutely not."

"No? You have a problem with me taking showers? I thought good hygiene was on your list of things that are important in a relationship."

"More than half of the assistants Lily hired are female" Blair said. "No woman but me is taking your clothes off and having you naked in the shower."

"Would you like to get on the pay-roll?" Chuck asked. "Blair I need people to help me with this stuff and trust me, I don't like it anymore than you do." He made a face and adjusted his tie leaning back. "Nor do I think the occasions in question will be very erotic in nature."

"Would you mind having this conversation some other time?" Serena asked. "My stepbrother's showering habits and who gets to see him in the nude is not something I like to hear about while eating macaroons."

"Would you be more comfortable eating a bagel?" Chuck asked with a smirk.

"Whatever you need help with, man, we'll be supportive" Nate said, sending pointed glares to both Serena and Blair. "I'm just glad to hear you won't be needing assistants permanently. The sooner you are able to do all that kind of stuff for on your own the sooner you'll feel like yourself again."

Chuck managed a smile, wishing they had chosen a different topic for conversation and as smoothly as he could changed the subject.

"So how's lacrosse going?" he asked Nate.

"Haven't started playing yet" Nate answered. "I'm thinking of quitting. It was fun in high school but the Columbia team is taking too much of my time."

Nate continued to talk about his sports and Chuck listened with half an ear. He shared a look with Blair who seemed a touch apologetic at how the conversation had turned to his condition. He reached out his hand and put it on top of hers, earning him a smile in return. When they were alone later he would have to make sure to tell her he appreciated the trouble she had gone to organizing something for his return home. It did help a little to distract from everything else and it felt relieving to meet a whole crowd of people at once and get it over with. From now on things would be different and they would just have to find a way to adjust.

* * *

An hour and a half later Chuck had retreated to his bedroom to get some rest and the guests had all gone home. Nate was in his room talking on the phone with his latest flirt, leaving Blair to clear up on her own. She didn't mind a few minutes to herself and gathered all the dirty dishes, leaving them on the kitchen counter for housekeeping to take care of in the morning. She was glad that everyone had gone home. Now that they had all welcomed Chuck back home from the hospital she wanted some peace and quiet and she wanted some time for Chuck and her to be alone. They hadn't had any real such time since he woke up, the hospital staff always running around right outside the door and walking in at any given moment.

She walked inside the bedroom. Chuck was propped up against the headboard with the help of two large pillows, his numb legs stretched out in front of him and covered by a blanket. He looked calm but not happy. Monkey was lying next to him and Chuck had his right arm casually around him, scratching the dog's head. He looked up when Blair walked into the room and offered her a faint smile. Her face lit up in return and it made him feel a little better. The fact that she was so happy that he was home helped brighten his spirits a little bit.

"Everybody's left" she said. "It's kind of nice. Just the two of us... And Nate, but he can easily be ignored."

"They'll be back" Chuck said. "The assistants have to help me get back into the wheelchair so I can get ready for bed."

"Only if we call them" Blair pointed out, walking slowly up to the bed with a suggestive smile on her face.

"We've been over this. You are not playing nurse or assistant to me."

"That's not what I was suggesting..." Blair smiled, getting up on the bed and crawling closer to him.

The look on her face made his smile fade. Normally he loved that look, the one that meant she wanted him to be naked within minutes. Tonight it only felt like a burden. A reminder of how things had changed.

"I'm good at undressing you..." Blair said seductively, letting a finger run from his collar and down his shirt.

"I feel awful that you're in this situation" Chuck said. "I'm paralyzed from the waist down. I can still satisfy you, but we both know you need more than my fingers and my mouth in the long run."

"Nonsense Bass" Blair said, fingers playing with the button on his pants. "You're paralyzed below your hips. The parts I'm currently interested in are all above that level and should be working properly. I intend to find out if they do..."

The next thing he knew she had pulled his pants down and tossed them aside. She snapped her fingers at Monkey and pointed him to his bed in the corner of the room. Chuck eyed her wordlessly as she stood on her knees on the bed and slowly unbuttoned her shirt, revealing a white lacy bra. With a seductive smile she tossed her shirt on the floor and leaned forward. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back with a content sigh as he found out he could indeed feel her hands and mouth on him.

* * *

Afterward he felt completely at peace for a few minutes. Blair had gotten them under the covers somehow and both were buck naked, resting in each other's arms. His right hand ran up and down her side gently, caressing her fondly. He had thought he would never get to experience this again and it was far better than he remembered it being.

Unfortunately reality came back into his mind and the joy and contentment he had felt drifted away.

"I don't know how you did what you just did but it was unbelievable" he told her, wanting to hold on to the positive emotion just a few minutes longer.

"If it's one thing I know it's how to make your body respond to mine" she replied and placed a kiss on his shoulder.

"We can have sex..." he said. "This is good. This means if we stay together and want to have children someday, we can."

"Of course we can" Blair replied. "Even if we hadn't been able to do this tonight it still wouldn't be that way forever. You will get better."

"I know I shouldn't complain" he said, paying no attention to her reassurance. "It's just... the sex life we've enjoyed together in the past is... in the past. You're going to have to be on top and do the majority of the work and it's going to be that way for the rest of our lives."

"I like being on top."

"Day in and day out for the next sixty years?"

"Don't try to weasel your way out of doing your share of the work" Blair said in a teasing tone. "Your hips work just fine. I just went on top tonight because it's your first night home and you should take it easy."

"I need more than just my hips to be a competent lover" Chuck argued.

"You're just lazy" Blair smirked.

She wasn't entirely sure that it would work if he was on top but she was determined to find out. If there was the slightest chance that it could work she would make that her own personal form of physical therapy for him. She was willing to have some substandard sex for a while if it helped him physically and if it gave him a reason to work. Most importantly she had no intention of allowing him to give up. He was a fighter and she would push him to be, every step of the way. That had always been what they did best anyway, to support and encourage one another.

Chuck stared at the ceiling, wondering if he was ungrateful for griping when they at least knew they could still have sex. He enjoyed letting her be on top, getting off on watching her and of seeing her enjoy the power it gave her. But just one or two positions for the rest of their lives seemed so boring it made him want to scream and shout. They had always loved playing games in bed, trying new things, being adventurous and spontaneous. The thought of never getting to press her up against a wall and have his way with her again was depressing.

"It's so very good to have you home" she said sweetly, nuzzling against him.

"It's good to _be_ home" he replied. "My own bed, my own home... No nurses checking in during the night and waking me up early in the morning to give me meds. Nobody coming in to draw blood. And no more of that horrible food."

"You didn't like the takeout we brought you?" Blair asked with a giggle.

"You never brought me takeout for breakfast."

"I refuse to believe their oatmeal porridge was _that_ awful."

"It was oatmeal porridge" he pointed out in a complaining tone.

"Tomorrow you can have anything you want for breakfast" she said. "Including me."

"See, now that is why being home trumps being in the hospital."

She laughed a little, then lifted herself up a bit and looked down at him.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"I'm far better than I deserve to be."

"No, I mean... Being home and everything it entails. The real world. If you tell me you're fine then I will believe you so long as you promise to tell me whenever you're _not_ fine. No hiding behind your Bassian walls, okay?"

"It feels a bit strange, I'll admit" Chuck said. "More so when I first arrived. Now I feel good, mostly thanks to you. The next few weeks are probably going to be a trial but things could be a hell of a lot worse."

"They could" she nodded. She leaned down and kissed him tenderly. "Tomorrow morning we get to wake up here together, just the two of us and our dog. We can stay in bed and cuddle all day if we want to. No place we have to be, no tests that need to be run, no schedule to follow... We're free to just enjoy being near one another all day long."

"Mmm... Sounds lovely."

She smiled and kissed him again, more hotly this time. Then she tossed back the comforter and sat up with a giggle.

"Okay, I've eased you back into it" she smirked. "Now it's time for you to do some work, Mr. Bass."

* * *

Thanks for reading!


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